Tuesday, January 25, 2011

The Rehab Program - How it works!

The Starbucks Rehab Program -

Our Starbucks rehab program is simple, we bring a chair with straps and put it outside the door of your local Starbucks. When you are ready to commit to rehab we strap you down and tape your mouth shut and only allow you to see and smell the aroma as the door opens to your local Starbucks. These are done in 30 minute increments daily. This program lasts 30 days and our success rate is 3% and growing. We expect to be at 5% by 2050.

If you feel as though you need help please call us at 800-*-BROKE. This will connect you to our sign up department. Our call volume is very high at this point and if you get transferred to India have no fear we just opened our first Starbucks Rehab in New Delhi. We are only outsourcing for another 3 years at which point we'll take every in house. Remember if you are reading this you have a problem! Join the rehab program today by clicking these links below:

Starbucks Rehab Facebook Fan Page

Starbucks Rehab Twitter Page

Friday, January 21, 2011

Top 10 Signs of a Starbucks Addict and the Pay by Phone Starbucks App

In one week Starbucks has made two huge announcements, both affecting those in need of Starbucks Rehab. First off, if you plan on downloading the pay by phone Starbucks app you better check in to your local SA (Starbucks Anonymous) immediately.

There are a handful of signs below that prove you are an addict.

1) You'll wait in a 20 minute line to order a tall drip.
2) You bring your laptop to Starbucks and pretend you actually have work to do.
3) The Barista knows your drink.
4) The Barista knows your name.
5) You downloaded an app specifically to make your Starbucks experience more personal.
6) You know every Starbucks location within a 20 mile radius of your home.
7) You visit multiple Starbucks during the week for no other reason, but to switch it up.
8) You'll charge a Starbucks coffee to your debit card knowing your bank account is overdrawn.
9) You Twitter about your Starbucks addiction.
10) You look for a Facebook Fan Page dedicated to your Starbucks addiction.

The list goes on, but don't kid yourself, if you are reading this you have a problem. The good news is it's more than a numbers game and you are merely a statistic. In our next post we will give you more information to help fight that addiction.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Supersize Me - How about a Trenta?

Something you may not know about the CEO of Starbucks was he was once the owner of a failed franchise called the Seattle Supersonics. Now if this doesn't hint something let me start by saying Supersize Me wasn't a documentary on the benefits of a super size french fry and a 44oz soda. After hearing today that Starbucks is coming up with a Supersize Me of their own, I am going to have to say that it may be the first real failure of Starbucks management.

All us addicted coffee drinkers prefer a Tall, maybe a Grande, but a Trenta? That's just crazy. If I had a Trenta I'd look like a human shake weight. My normal energy level is borderline paranoia, but I can't even fathom a Trenta or 31 ounces of coffee. I'll keep this brief and say that Trenta will be a failure before it begins. But I'm a just a peon blogger robbing Peter to pay Paul, so don't listen to me. If you heart tells you that a Trenta is what you need, then do yourself a favor and check in to your local Starbucks Rehab, where anonymous stands for monogamous in the world of coffee.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Back in the Grind - Two a Day!

I wish I could write about my addiction everyday, but that would just add to the problem. The more I write about this the thirstier I become. After a few days at a conference in Las Vegas, I felt very at home at my home away from home. If you've been to Vegas you know there are plenty of Starbucks around the strip, but I prefer one, which sits across from The Wynn.

It's pathetic that the last few mornings while at a conference, with plenty of good coffee I might add, I still made the 1/2 mile trek from Starbucks back to the convention rooms at The Wynn. I made quite a few people jealous of my grande Starbucks cup and even had a few people ask me where I got my Starbucks fix at. That's so great to know that I'm not alone. And if you're reading this, you are probably just like me.

I am now officially back at home after a long trip away and we'll see how this rehab process works. I am slowly going to work my way back down to a short mocha, at which point I know I'll be able to pull the plug (we'll see). Until then it's back to the grind of life with Starbucks down the street. I'm getting a little thirsty now that I'm home and writing. And just for the record "two a day" is still an option during this process!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Day 2 - A Real Life Journey

Day 2 and I just had a revelation. Starbucks is a cult. A cult is defined as a group or sect bound together by veneration of the same thing, person, ideal, etc. That's it, they've found a way to bind us all together. It's done in such a way that we come back almost forgetting we were there 425 days in a row before that. I'm admitting I really am a part of that cult and I'm searching for a way out. So far it's not happening and I really think it's time for me to try harder. I know I am going to say that again and again, but at least I can say I tried, even if it was for 9 hours after my daily coffee fix. 

Starbucks defines the pretender. They come out with products frequently that I like to call the fake out maneuver. Take their newer product VIA for example. Who on earth is willing to save themselves 50 cents a day to pour a little packet of foo-foo flavored coffee into a cup of water while sitting at home? I may be wrong and they may have a viable solution to the nonaddictive Starbuckians, but I am willing to bet that the product was merely a way of proving to themselves that the cult is real. I'm not buying it for a minute that they really want to sell the product. 

I left at the butt crack of dawn this morning for a convention with the family and I didn't even think twice about refraining from the daily grind. Today was a little different. My wife actually ran in and picked our coffee up, which really upset me. I wanted the chance just to walk in that door and smell the odor that's all so familiar and hear that familiar voices of the many that are in denial. The coffee honestly doesn't taste right if I haven't gone through the motions.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

A Day in the Life of a Starbucks Addict

Ok, so it's not a drug addiction, but sometimes it sure feels like one. And no, I am not talking about caffeine. I wake up early, get the kids up, dressed and fed. And about 15 times between these motions I ponder the escape route to Starbucks. What's sad about this is I look for an out to get there before I have to take the kids to school. "Honey, would you mind if I grab our mail at the box?" That doesn't always work, but it's a great excuse to show up to my local Starbucks with sigh of relief.

I know I am not the only person in America feeling this way, but I may be one of the few able to admit it. I love Starbucks, I love the coffee and I love aura around walking in the door, regardless if the line is 30 people deep. Sure it's just coffee, but there is so much more behind the coffee that keeps me coming back. I still question the notion everyday before ordering my foo-foo beverage.

I was so proud of myself a year ago for finding a way to get all the way down to a short mocha for quite some period of time. But I finally convinced myself that the small difference in price was worth just buying a tall beverage. One major problem with my Starbucks addiction is that it gets costlier by the year. In fact, a grande mocha these days is whopping $4.05. That's a hefty price to pay for a glorified coffee mixed with hot chocolate. If you merely buy a tall coffee you are still spending $600/year. That's right $600 a year and you don't even get the foo-foo to go with it. The real truth about the addiction is that money is no object when it comes to Starbucks. It doesn't matter if you are making $200,000 per year or $36,000 per year. It's all about the process of walking in that door, looking around at everyone you saw the day before and ordering that beverage of choice.